What Am I Afraid Of?

I think it might be God, the Divine, Spirit, the Universe, et.al.

For years I didn’t want to give up my control, as in saying to that ‘bigger thing (BT)’, “OK, your will, not mine.” What, are you crazy? What if that BT wanted something I didn’t? What if instead of listening to my prayers for safety driving, BT thought it would be a good idea for me to have an accident? Or to get some disease? Or be too great? Or be poor? Or, or, or, or! 

No way, uh-uh, I wanted none of that.

I have stood at the edge of what I can only describe as glorious and thought – what if it means I have to give up stuff? So, I shied away, not leaping headlong into the glorious (whether I could, really, or not). Everyone I know personally shies away, too.

So, years after that experience, I find myself still asking, “What are we afraid of?” What keeps us here; here in this dance of life defined by our dreams, beliefs, cultures, friends, families, careers, possessions and earth?  What in this dream is worth enough for me to give up connecting with the glorious BT and possibly walking away from it all? What-keeps-me-here? My home? No. My family? No. My possessions, clothes or car? No. My friends? No, again. My career? Ah…maybe. Life itself? Another maybe; well…probably. 

What keeps you here?

A few years ago I would have answered ‘yes’ to many of the questions above. Over time, and looking at it all closely, I came to see that, in my case, much of what I’d once valued had shifted. Not to being valueless, but definately into the realm of “leave-able”. Especially when compared to my connection with a BT.

I changed my ‘yes’ to ‘no’ answers by asking myself these questions in every area of my life: Can I give this up? Would this keep me from being my best and highest? If asked to (or wanted to), is this leave-able? Do I choose this over enlightenment? Would this stop me from letting go to a/the BT? What am I holding so tightly on to? Coffee? Status? A way of life? My image? My ego? Control? Habit?  Fear? Life? WHAT?

For me, it came down to control, and to life itself. 

Life, itself, was easy to understand and had two components. My body, very absolutely and on the deepest of cellular levels, fights to live. I think we could all agree, especially those in the medical profession, that this is true. 

I ran some experiments (no, not suicidal ones!) and found this out the uncomfortable way. That was physical. I then, however, found that the thought of dissolving into or merging with any BT was also scary because, frankly, I love life. I love this grand experiment and experience. I have a good one, and have worked very hard on myself to have it be good. Why would I give it up, now, when I enjoy the fruits of my efforts?  And even if I decided I was willing, my body would still fight to live.  But, am I willing to? I’m getting there…..

With my control issue, I wasn’t happy to see that I thought I knew better than any BT, but there you have it. I liked believing that I could control what happened to me. I believed in co-creation, not predestination, and there were things I didn’t want to give up. I couldif I wanted, but I didn’t want…so there, BT! Heck, being told (or even asked) to was an immediate ‘no’ to my internal rebel, too. I’m sure you can relate because we all have rebellious control issues.

Over time and with study, however, I came to see that control is one big joke, a grand illusion our ego perpetrates to keep IT in control. I still had an accident, got sick now and then, had fluctuating finances, cars came and went, as did people…all with me asking, intending, willing, demanding, visualizing, affirming or praying that they wouldn’t.  Life, quite simply, happens. 

Many Law of Attraction people are probably saying I’m just not doing it right, but that’s a different article. For today simply understand that - control is an illusion, folks. 

I also came to realize, as I progressed on the spiritual spiral, that I didn’t (usually) have to give up anything. It wasn’t a commandment, a requirement or a given that I’d have to give stuff up – it was an idea only. 

Once I understood this, my fear of having to left and I found that, as I progressed, things naturally fell away by themselves with no effort on my part at all. My choices changed (and were easy) because I wanted them. And if I didn’t want, well, that was a choice, too. I was perfectly free to continue enjoying and self-limiting with anything I chose. I noticed, too, that many are far beyond me on the spiritual spiral and still live here, in houses, driving cars and enjoying life’s pleasures!

I now come full circle back to the beginning: do we have to surrender, let go or give up to experience connection with a BT? I think the answer is yes – though not as surrendering to a controlling BT – but rather, a surrender of self-limiting aspects of ourselves to our own truest self.

Well, that’s a mouth full. What I hope you will realize as I’ve talked here is that there is a distinction between what has been experienced (glorious connection with a/the BT) and what is thought about (fear, giving up, control, ideas). 

Thinking rather than experiencing is this age’s dilemma. We have been trained to think too much! We text, chat, research on computers, read books and mull things over, thereby relying on our minds and not direct experience. We say, “Well, I’ll think it over,” and yet, our mind won’t “get us there”. Our mind won’t take us to the eternal or enter the gates of enlightenment or heaven. 

Our minds process data coming in from what we experience. Our mind is one of the greatest computers and problem solvers on earth…yet, they don’t have the actual experience. And the eternal BT is an experience, not a mental thought process.

Ask anyone who has been there, who has dipped in the stream of the BT. They can’t describe it. They can talk about and around it, but they cannot pin it down. And yet, their faces, their energy and their very vibration will attest to the truth that they did experience it. 

The reason? 

Their minds didn’t go along on the journey into the stream. It is afterward that our minds try to describe and define, to make rational that which is beyond definition and rationale. We have a transcendent experience, and by the very nature of the word ‘transcendent’, we’ve left ‘all this’ behind…and yet here we are. See, hard to talk about <grin>!

This brings me fully back around the beginning – what keeps us here? What are you afraid of losing or being forced to give up? What is worth sacrificing the ‘transcendent’ for? What keeps you from enlightenment? What are you attached to? What can you not let go of? What is so darned important that you wager your very spirit for? 

It’s an interesting question. How do you answer it? You have to look inside yourself to answer, and to find your freedom. There are coaches, programs, books, videos and friends to help you once you discover what’s limiting you.  So, ASK! 

Diana Adkins is an Author, Teacher, Coach and Minister in the Toltec tradition where awareness, transformation and intent are masteries to aspire to. Her mission is to support people towards self-awareness, self-respect, clarity and truth.